There are certain places in my memory that I don’t go. Perhaps I can travel lightly here and there, but looking back at different times always produces the same result: There be dragons. How can I explain something that I myself don’t really understand?
It started in 2009, the year I reached the limit to my pain threshold, both physical and mental. I have always had a high tolerance to pain. I’m not particularly fond of pain, but I can take a lot if I have to. Mental stuff? Not so much. Medication has helped through the years to keep me from being totally suicidal However, I found myself in a really dark place with no medication. Major Depressive Disorder and Panic Disorder do not fare well without medication in the mix. At least for me. I’ve often wished I could stop taking those meds, but experimentation in that area has often left me much worse off. So yeah, at this time in my life one of my major thoughts was “Sucks to me be.”
I’m more stable now, but the dragons still exist, just beyond my sight. Right there in whatever serves as peripheral vision in my mind. A random thought can become a memory that is so intense that I’m left close to tears and on the verge of a full blown panic attack. What causes it? I don’t know, and the mental health therapists I’ve been seeing lately aren’t really helping me conquer it. It’s very hard to fight a mental disorder. It’s very easy to say this isn’t normal and I have the right to be happy. Really? So, I just go home and say it’s all good and sit down with a beer? Not even close to it.
I’m beginning to think that this treatment/therapy is perhaps the worst I’ve ever had. I want to know why I can’t talk about the fact that I miss my mother so much that I would do almost everything to go back try to spend more quality time with her. I had two weeks with her. I should have been there more. I wasn’t ready. And yet, the only time I talk about anything from my past is in passing. Very quickly passing.
And then there are those on the sidelines telling me “Oh you can’t claim that!” Yeah? I’m NOT claiming it. Rather I’m trying very hard not to cling to the dark side. I want the light. I want to survive. The problem is, I can’t fit into the mold that seems to be the norm in our modern society. I spent a lot of years pretending that I could be a good and efficient employee. Unfortunately, the jobs became more complicated in a direction that my thought processes couldn’t follow. So I have to move away from it in a way that works for me. So yeah, any therapy has to be focused on that aspect, otherwise I should just give up.
There is light. I know it’s there, waiting for me to find it. In the midst of darkness…there is light.