So…I’m trying to figure out when I first became mad. Childhood? Most assuredly so. What I find truly amazing, though, is the fact that I was trained to be what I am today. I perceived the messages I got from my parents that I was not as good as others. My needs were unimportant. What kind of parent does that to a kid?
Okay this is admittedly maudlin and in the past. It’s over. The question that remains, however, is how I get my body, my subconscious to realize it? That is the million dollar question, and I need to find the answer so that perhaps one day I can reach the new normal, a normal that is based on happiness. Not happiness derived from others but a true joy of living and participating in life.
It is important to note at this point that I will probably never stop some of my habits, most assuredly not the one that has me inside and away from the sun. Sometimes I enjoy my solitude. Maybe it’s not the best thing 24/7/365. But I actually enjoy a bit of gloom in my days. I guess it’s the goth in me. So I devise a plan to reach the real me and bring her back into the light. Sometimes.
To accomplish this task I have created a new identity. Not like David Bowie’s Ziggy and other personas, but a new person who is comfortable with who she is and won’t apologize about any of it. Perhaps this is a bit schizophrenic. Or maybe multiple personality insanity. Maybe. Or maybe I just need something to identify with due to my fractured personality that has suffered and survived.
So I’ll spend some time getting to know myself, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll figure it all out. Either that or the world will end. I guess we’ll just have to see.