Death and Other Travesties

I remember my father going to bed whenever one of his friends became ill or died. What a terrible thing, to come face to face with finality. Mortality. Death. Oftentimes I find myself seeking the solace of my bed when someone dies.

This has been a hard year for me because of death. While my two best friends passed on years back now, it is the death of those who I never knew that is beating down on me. Now I cry, not because I was a groupie fan, but because with each death, a part of me dies.

It hasn’t been quite a year, but let’s just say I’m acknowledging the anniversary of the death of David Bowie. There’s been a lot percolating in my brain over the past few months. I’ve been dredging up memories because I want to know why I’m the way I am. There is no fault here, but I have to understand how the life of this person became so entangled within my own life that each time something of him is brought into focus I break down in tears.

Somewhere around the 5th grade, my family moved to a new house. It was across the street from a pasture filled with horses. I loved horses. I wanted nothing more than to ride across the countryside, the horse’s mane, along with my hair, flying in the wind. My parents said no. I tried to deal with this the best that I could. The neighborhood families kept their horses in this pasture. I spent a lot of time there and that’s when I met The Man.

What shall I call him? Pedophile? Disgusting? Evil? All of these and more. He saw a girl unsure of herself who wanted to have a horse more than anything. So he set out on a pretense of  making that wish come true. It was always right there, just out of sight. What he did was damaging, but what was done in the name of right and justice was what really damaged me irreversibly, because in the end, when it all came to light, no one held me. No one told me it was okay, it wasn’t my fault. All I heard were whispered variations on what would the neighbors think, and nothing ever came of this event that I know of. And so, a little piece of my soul was shattered, and I didn’t know how to put it back together.

It was a summer of David Cassidy, Bobby Sherman with a little mix of America, Neil Young and other up and coming pop/rock am radio tunes. It was okay, but it quickly became something to identify with fear, loneliness and alienation.

It was at this point that David Bowie stepped in. Space Oddity was on the radio, a surprising enough thing in my little East Texas country and western hometown. But the times they were a-changing, and I purchased Space Oddity and began a new road.


I loved that album. It was so different from anything I had heard before. It was art, it was music. It was intricacies that spoke on a subconscious level, and it slowly began to heal the breaks in my heart. Was it a good healing? The adult me says no, but how can I imagine anything else at this point in my life? It consumed me and made me feel as if life was worth living again. It got me up every morning. It kept me going. And of course I wanted more.

There was a show called the Midnight Special, and Bowie was the guest star of on particular week’s show. I was delighted to see that the Tonight Show, airing just before the Midnight Special, would include Bowie’s wife Angie as the main guest.

I was set.



more to come…



I suppose it might be fitting that I decide to start once again and try this thing called living in the midst of so much death. Death of people who mattered at different times in my life. Death of ideals. Death of friendships over silly things, over crucial things, over things that will lead to more death.

It is today that I have decided to live. It’s going to be hard. I’m in this kind of endless cycle of blood sugar depression that has finally begun to right itself. Ketosis is taking care of the weight issues. Now if I can just get some energy maybe I can continue on in the fight, because I just realized something about the work I’ve done across the art-music-writing field: I am good.

I do not suck. Did I have friends who deterred my progress and made me doubt myself over so much time? Did I listen too much to the authoritarians who want to control what a person can and can’t do under the law of God? Somehow I have to meld the past with the future and create something that will please Him who made me, and in the creative process deliver the message of faith, pain and survival to those who need it through the one delivery system that no one else employs properly: love.

It occurred to me today that I have spent the better part of the last 2-3 years making a career out of watching and analyzing politics, something of which I’m not really that good at. I know that we stand on a precipice that could send our freedom to think spiraling into nothingness. But still there will be a day to fight and a day to lay our arms down and wait upon salvation. In the meantime I will try to bring some music and art to the party once more.

I have one book published. I suppose you could call it volume 1 of many because it is small. It is the first issue of Conversations With No One, and is now available at Amazon. I published it in January of this year shortly after David Bowie died. It hit me, that sitting around on my ass wasn’t really doing anyone any good, and we’re not promised tomorrow.

I hope to finish Araghan’s Watch in the next month and perhaps get it published in January-February. Here’s hoping.

I’ve been listening to some of my music that is coming up on 10 years old and need to come up with a couple good headphone sets along with the right recording software and continue onward. I have spent too long watching the world go by. It’s time to get back on the ride and lay a few more creations out for others to experience.

Perhaps it’s because I finally figured out when it all started, this depression of mine. It wasn’t my fault. But it’s my responsibility now to do something with it.

If anyone out there is interested in knowing me better, I will have my Lady Crimson Rose Facebook page finished soon, and at some point I’ll have my website properly linked to this.

I can be heard on under Lady Crimson Rose or Sybaelle, at Reverbnation under Sybaelle and on Soundcloud. Maybe. I have a profile there but no uploads, so I’ll be working on that. I can still be found on Myspace under Sybaelle and Crimson Mirrors. CM will be phased out as I have just discovered another band that took the name, and I’m not that interested in competitions. Everything at some point will be consolidated into Lady Crimson Rose because she is who most identifies me.

Is there anyone out there?

Or perhaps I could ask why did he have such an affect on my life that now, gosh is it really 40 years later, my memories of him make me cry. Why do I have to have memories at all? If it turns out that all of that music that shaped me into who I am today was rubbish, then why did it find its way into my synapses and tear ducts?

If you’re given something that affects you profoundly, then in the future, when you look back, how can it be something worthy only of hate. Why does it make me cry? Why, when I listen to music or watch videos from that time, do I feel such tremendous loss?

Music is more than a background noise to me. Of course it is. It’s important to almost everyone. Just take a look at the television lineup, at all the music competitions that we’re sucked into like so many junkies. But music is not my drug, it is the force by which I create other things. And composing it is the greatest joy on earth that I can find.

Here comes the rub. Wait for it. Wait for it. If I’m a Christian, then how can music have that kind of power in my life? And so it goes, does it become my idol and thus something I have to shun? And if it’s forbidden, then why can’t I graduate to the next level to learn what better things are waiting?

Every time I hear Mick Ronson play, whether his own solo projects, Mott the Hoople or the years with David Bowie, I want to cry. I long for a time when life was more simple. I hurt for the awkward child I was. I simply had no owner’s manual for a teenage human who cared for little more than my horse and my ever growing album collection. People thought I was a snob when in truth I was no more than a frightened child clinging to what I could understand.

I’m not sure if I understand it now.


My Death

I died this year. Sometime during the frigid winter temps and the first rains of autumn, I gave up the firm grip that I had held fast to all of the years that led up to the moment that everything began to change. My husband got a job that led to a promotion within a month. We were finally no longer recipients of government assistance. Yes, we had finally reached the poverty level. There is nowhere to go here but up.

Mark 8:34–35

34 And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35 For whoever would save his life4 will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel’s will save it.

It seems so simple. It isn’t, at least not for someone like me. I’ve discovered in the past few years that I don’t know what a lot of things mean. I don’t understand the concepts of words. My brain, compensating in the only way it can, simply glosses over it. I don’t focus on the situation, and it never gets worked out. I avoid many things that present themselves as obstacles in my mind. Obstacles take me away from the orderly mess of my thoughts. Obstacles are to be run away from at the highest speed possible. Obstacles are dragons. “Don’t go there. That way be dragons.”

So I’ve spent most of my life trying to overcompensate for my inability to function on an intellectual level. The funny thing is…God isn’t looking for intellectuals to work for him. Intelligence and reason are an impediment to His work. They keep people from believing in faith and what it can do for the lost souls of this world.

Being an intellectual is the worst thing that can happen to you. The world wants you to conform. You must have an appropriate education with the right field to study so that you can find the right job, the right spouse, the right house with the right cars and 1.8 children. This is a goal that will ultimately lead to the death of us. We have been set up in society to brilliantly fail, and yet those of us who can’t figure it out are ostracized and looked down on.

By the way, I have 3 kids, so I’m not opting for wiping myself out.

Who is right? The world’s view? Only the devil is interested in wiping us out before we can get a chance to figure it out. So…we’re at the poverty level. We’ve given up the world, our lives, to focus better on God. Our Father, our Saviour, our Comforter. Because we finally figured out how to look away from all the pretty toys and find that Jesus is all we need.

Since discovering this amazing revelation, we find ourselves able to crawl out of the dark world that consisted of death and destruction, where our belongings disappeared, where our car was taken, where our dignity was taken from us to a place where we’re well liked in the town that we live. Where we can pay our bills. Where we can help others with abandon to our joy. Where God sees the heart and acts accordingly.

Where we can live abundantly. God really does provide all, you just have to want to do it His way. No matter how crazy it looks and forget about what the world sees. The world is not our salvation. It never will be.

2 Corinthians 9:6-7

The Cheerful Giver

6 The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully[a] will also reap bountifully. 7 Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.


romans 6-23

The Sandbox

What if you were an incredibly wealthy and selfish person who wanted this planet all to yourself along with the rest of your very close flipper baby family? Yes I did say that. Flipper baby. Flipper babies. Okay at some point it loses its intensity and ability to humor the useless eaters, and they go back for plate 3 at the buffet.house1

It’s your world after all, so you can call it as you see it. You would have more money than God if not for the fact that ultimately God owns everything and is now just loaning it to you until all the pieces have been put away. What if you had the power to make or break someone depending solely on what kind of mood you’re in?

So you’re looking for a house and you think you’ve finally found it. It’s on a ridge overlooking a spectacular ocean view. The temperatures are fantastic and humidity at an all time low. The air is fragrant with all the lovely wildflowers putting out their best. What if you walked out onto the wonderfully laid out deck and swimming pool to find…neighbors. Yes, neighbors to your right and left, cleverly camouflaged by the underbrush and trees. What do you do?

It would seem inconceivable to do anything but search possibilities of learning to live with the neighbors or walking away to search for something else.meanie It would never seem that murder could be another option, except maybe in a movie. And jeez, just how stupid does this all sound. After all, don’t we leave all that crap behind from childhood? Aren’t we mature enough to play well with others? What if the resounding answer to this question is a big resounding NO?

Oh my goodness, how can such an incident become so important? What if you were living in the country and suddenly The Powers That Be said it wasn’t safe? Maybe you should live closer to urban areas. Maybe all of the land has to be protected and you shouldn’t be anywhere near it. No matter how totally stupid this idea sounds, it’s taking place right here in our country, the United States of America. What’s worse is no one seems to care much because there’s just so much going on and we have to be home in time to watch a few reality shows so that we can feel like we’re part of everything that’s going on.

What if you have actually been manipulated by the television programs that have been made available for you? Inconceivable! But not, really. What about all those housewives? What about the dancers and singers and Amish? There simply isn’t enough time to do all those shows and still manage to keep up with work and children.


  1. a plan of action to accomplish a specified end.
  2. a long-term outline of a project or government function aka master plan.
  3. a program broadcast by television.

So think about it. Do you believe in a government that has only your best interests at heart? Take a look at your life. Is this what you had planned? Or did years of watching TV to one extent or another chance your view of what you want out of life? To what extent do you believe you could go without realizing that you were being manipulated?

Do you even believe you’ve been manipulated at certain times during your life? Ever hear of the Illuminiati? Freemasons? No. Well that can’t be helped because you’re really not supposed to. Some information is let out there for all of us to discover and make some kind of sense out of, but not all of it. The information that could bring all governments to their knees is private, hidden and protected. If you’re a Christian, you need to look deeper than the front page news. You need to climb down the rabbit hole and look at what’s there.

So how do we Christians evaluate ourselves in the world? Take a look at the Bible. We are the children of God, saved by grace through the amazing sacrifice of Jesus Christ. However there are many self proclaimed Christians out there who are trying to be nice and say that there are many ways to God and Heaven. Absolutely wrong. Some of us want to keep up our appearances to those around us so that we can have worth. We give the job of judgment to people who are no different because we are all sinful and deserve execution, whether we want to admit it or not.

The truth is the Powers That Be don’t want to share anything with the rest of the earth’s population. We are nothing more than cattle to them, much like the Jews were to the Nazis. What’s going on now are the final stages of their great plan. Go into hiding and wait for all the bad stuff to happen then come out and save the day. It’s possible their plans could go awry since the Bible says they will want to hide beneath the rocks:

Revelation 6:15-17

15 And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;


16 And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb: 17 For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?

So it all comes down to how long can the dark side bully the children of God who Jesus will come to rescue. Until then, however, we continue to play in our sandboxes, not sure who belongs where. You can recognize them, though:

Matthew 7:16-20

16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? 17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. 19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. 20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

So here we are, standing at the brink of eternity, and what a wild time it is. We still play in our sandboxes, trying to be what we are not, nor can we be. We are children. Some of us are children of God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, and we have victory waiting for us and Paradise to live forevermore. And then there are those who have been deceived and will suffer for eternity. This is a sad thing indeed, but it is their choice.

They will continue to take their toys home at the end of the day. But one day they will have no home to go to. Only the fire awaits them.


Wants vs Needs

So it’s been awhile and I’ve been thinking. “Ah…” you say. “I hope your brain is okay, it’s been so long.”

Well…I’ve had a lot to think about. I took a long look at my life and its direction, and I wondered…am I happy? More importantly, do I enjoy living? And you know what? The answer scared me. How many days have I spent just getting through each day, month and year? Surviving in a world that should not be this exhausting. Surviving in a world that moves ever faster as time goes on. Did I fall by the wayside and not realize it?

It’s been 4 years since I had my ultimate nervous breakdown. It’s funny how you can finally put your finger on the moment when you could no longer journey on. That is a moment in time that becomes more poignant as the years pass and you can still point back to that moment. A moment that has come to define you. A moment that has to be overcome, for wallowing in sorrow does nothing to make life worth living.

It is humorous for me to remember what set my walk with God in motion. As a young Christian, seeking to build that relationship with Jesus, I prayed for faith. The kind of faith that missionaries have to have to put their lives on the line for the Gospel. Be careful of that which you wish for. My life took a steady slide downward into the depths of despair after I asked for this faith. It has been a bumpy ride ever since. But I have to say I don’t regret it. Would I do things differently if given the chance? Perhaps but probably not. For my 3 children are the most wonderful gifts God has given me, and I would not change that for anything.

While I was thinking over the past few months, my present situation has been filled with grief and longing. We were stuck in Houston. No way out. Then someone stepped forward to rescue us. Someone involved in some illegal business. Time after time we asked ourselves while calling out to God, “why?” Because our living situation ranged from a beautiful house on a hundred acres as well as a farmhouse complete with goats and chickens, and then to a condemned hovel in an area that was ugly and filled with tarantulas and scorpions.

We survived. Feeling beaten up and broken, we moved on, only now we were becoming more entrenched in what was surely enemy territory. Dragged from one place to another, losing pretty much all of our possessions. Hungry. Beaten down over and over again. I think maybe the final straw for me was in Vail. What a beautiful house filled with partying and annoyances, at least for me. Our provider lost everything, and now we were involved in these mad dashes to make a little money here while scamming someone over there. It all culminated into a point where I was awakened from a nap by the sounds of police yelling and beating on the doors. On my birthday. A police raid. I walked out with my barking dog to a line of men with guns pointing at me. Surely this could not have been from God?

One thing I’ve noticed through the past year is that I’ve been forced to live trusting only that God is there to take care of me and my family. People talk about living by faith, and some of them believe that’s what they are doing. But I tell you, unless you are trusting for every morsel of food, every payment on your living space, every time your car starts up, you do not know the fullness of totally living by faith.

I know I’ve been a poor example. I’ve fallen apart more times than I can count. I’ve been a hermit, hiding from the evil of the world, watching as it grows more evil day by day.  I’ve been ill enough to take a trip to the hospital because I was so full of despair.

There came a point where I was so down, I didn’t have anything to lose, so I decided to stop worrying since there was nothing I could do anyway. I gave it to God, such as I had done many times before. Only this time, there was no point to worrying because there was nothing in my situation that could be fixed. I felt trapped with no way to get out of the situation I and my family had fallen in to. Believe me, the devil is always there to suggest to you that God doesn’t care. It can be pretty easy to believe when the person who takes credit for “saving” you is not a Christian. You can be surrounded with naysayers. It is a fight like no fight before. It is hell on earth.

There is a spark inside that refuses to be extinguished even in the midst of despair and hopelessness. Praying for faith to continue is the only thing that can help. While you find yourself in the middle of a situation in which no matter what, you are the failure, you aren’t given the time to look at your situation. You don’t have the time to realize how you’re being played by the enemy by one of his minions.

When you think about it, you realize you had it wrong all along, you just didn’t have the truth to help you see. So you look at the Bible and the stories and themes it presents. This is what I did in my attempt to connect, my desire to have the relationship with the great I AM that has been promised to me and to every other person who so desires it. I discovered the theme that runs through the entire book. A theme of love that dwells forever. An idea of those lost who are saved by faith. The wilderness that ends in rescue and redemption, and then it made sense. We had been delivered to the enemy for a season to show his minion the true way to eternal life in Heaven. That season draws to a close with sad results. We move on.

We’d had it all wrong. You cannot have the relationship with God you desire and still have your eye on the world. You can be a resident on this planet, but you are not of it. The people who are running around trying to have everything really end up having nothing, for you can take none of it with you. For so many these few belongings will be all they ever have. Forever.

In developing a relationship with God, you have to rethink everything. Food and shelter are a necessity, as are clothes. If you find yourself without these, there are ways to find shelter, and there are places that will help you climb out of the pit of despair. If you call out to God, He will answer. Once you’ve got the necessities figured out, that’s where it gets hard, at least for me.

My mother’s death is what triggered the spiral that had been drawing me down for years. I fell, and I fell hard. I had to have everything that made a person worthwhile, at least in the world’s eye. I found that things are just that: things. One day you have it all, the next day your life becomes turmoil, and you stand a good chance of never figuring your way out of it if you don’t trust that God will answer your prayers.

I did not have the strength to endure. I was at the bottom. The thing that bothered me the most was what the world would think of me. I wasn’t good enough by the world’s standards by far. I was defective and an idiot. I had no idea what lay before me, how much farther there was to fall. And I thought I was trusting God for my life.

In spite of myself, God took favor upon me. It was a long journey, but I believe that I am much better off for it. He has shown me that you can never anticipate His works. You can never even imagine the solutions He provides. He truly does have the answer. And He will always provide for your needs. It is important to remember that while we want many things, we may not need them. In fact, some of our wants can be destructive. Some of our wants may jeopardize our walk with our Heavenly Father who is saddened when we reject the sacrifice made by His Son Jesus Christ.

It is so hard to keep going some days. The ailments are still there. I still get tired. But I’ve discovered that when I truly give everything over to the Lord, I find an inner strength that helps me prevail. And when it’s all said and done, I find that I have enjoyed the living of that moment, and that is a rare and wonderful thing indeed.



In the Midst of Darkness…There is Light

There are certain places in my memory that I don’t go. Perhaps I can travel lightly here and there, but looking back at different times always produces the same result: There be dragons. How can I explain something that I myself don’t really understand?

It started in 2009, the year I reached the limit to my pain threshold, both physical and mental. I have always had a high tolerance to pain. I’m not particularly fond of pain, but I can take a lot if I have to. Mental stuff? Not so much. Medication has helped through the years to keep me from being totally suicidal  However, I found myself in a really dark place with no medication. Major Depressive Disorder and Panic Disorder do not fare well without medication in the mix. At least for me. I’ve often wished I could stop taking those meds, but experimentation in that area has often left me much worse off. So yeah, at this time in my life one of my major thoughts was “Sucks to me be.”

I’m more stable now, but the dragons still exist, just beyond my sight. Right there in whatever serves as peripheral vision in my mind. A random thought can become a memory that is so intense that I’m left close to tears and on the verge of a full blown panic attack. What causes it? I don’t know, and the mental health therapists I’ve been seeing lately aren’t really helping me conquer it. It’s very hard to fight a mental disorder. It’s very easy to say this isn’t normal and I have the right to be happy. Really? So, I just go home and say it’s all good and sit down with a beer? Not even close to it.

I’m beginning to think that this treatment/therapy is perhaps the worst I’ve ever had. I want to know why I can’t talk about the fact that I miss my mother so much that I would do almost everything to go back try to spend more quality time with her. I had two weeks with her. I should have been there more. I wasn’t ready. And yet, the only time I talk about anything from my past is in passing. Very quickly passing.

And then there are those on the sidelines telling me “Oh you can’t claim that!” Yeah? I’m NOT claiming it. Rather I’m trying very hard not to cling to the dark side. I want the light. I want to survive. The problem is, I can’t fit into the mold that seems to be the norm in our modern society. I spent a lot of years pretending that I could be a good and efficient employee. Unfortunately, the jobs became more complicated in a direction that my thought processes couldn’t follow. So I have to move away from it in a way that works for me. So yeah, any therapy has to be focused on that aspect, otherwise I should just give up.

There is light. I know it’s there, waiting for me to find it. In the midst of darkness…there is light.

There is Light